FullMetal Alchemist vs Monty Python
by agent000
Summary: What happens when you mix the FullMetal Alchemist characters with the idiotic, dry humor of Monty Python? I'm not going to claim that this is good, but then, neither is Monty Python all by itself. This is called not even trying and getting results.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist or Monty Python. If I did, I certainly wouldn't need a disclaimer, would I?

Ed and Al were walking along through a field. Well, they weren't actually "walking", it was more like skipping. No, actually, it was more like prancing. They were prancing through a field, each one clicking a couple of coconuts together.

"Brother," said Al, "Why are we doing this?"

"Because cool people ride horses," said Ed.

"But we're not on horses," said Al.

"No, but we sound like we're on horses," said Ed.

"It sounds more like one horse," said Al.

"Whatever," said Ed.

By and by, they came to a castle. They stopped in front of the gate, and looked upward to see the castle guard staring down at them.

Ed called out to him, "Please, lower the gate and let us come into the castle."

"Who are you?" the guard asked.

"I am Edward Elric, the FullMetal Alchemist."

"Oh really? They let such a shrimp join the military?" said the guard.

Ed lunged toward the castle, but Al restrained him as Ed shouted out a whole bunch of words that no one was able to make out.

"So what is that that you're carrying?" asked the guard.

"These are coconuts," said Al.

"Where did you get them?" asked the guard.

"We found them," said Ed, freeing himself from Al's grasp.

"How could you have found them?" asked the guard, "This is a temperate zone!"

"Well," said Ed, "Maybe a swallow brought them."

"A swallow? A swallow could not possibly carry a coconut!"

"He could grip it on the husk," said Ed.

"It's not a matter of where he grips it," said the guard, "It's a matter of simple weight ratios. A five ounce bird cannot carry a one pound coconut!"

"Well, maybe an African swallow could," said Ed.

"An African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow. African swallows are non-migratory."

"Maybe they could carry one between them on a line," said Ed.

Ed and Al heard the scoffing tone in the guard's voice.

"You just won't give up, will you, FullMetal?"

Ed and Al took a closer look at the guard. It was Roy Mustang!

At finding this out, Ed grew furious and shouted, "Roy, you had better let us in! I have orders to reclaim this castle!"

"What do I care what you were ordered to do, shorty?" said Roy, "This is my castle, and I ain't budging."

"You traitor!" said Ed, "If you don't let us in, I'll have to take this castle by force!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said Roy, "This is the part where I'm supposed to throw a bunch of insults at you, your father smelt of Elderberries, or something like that. Why don't we just skip to the part where you leave?"

"Ok," said Ed, "Nice doing business with you."

"See you later," said Roy.

So Ed and Al turned and walked on.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm surprised that I got a couple reviewers already! Thank you, poppycat and MinaPinaColada! You guys rock!

Just as a side note here, this fic can be as long as my readers want it to be. I'll keep updating as long as the reviews keep coming in. Suggestions are fine too.

Disclaimer: I don't own FullMetal Alchemist or Monty Python. (Is there any point to saying this over and over again? I'm certainly not seeing it.)

Ed and Al were walking along (they seem to do a lot of this) when they came into a thick thicket. (It couldn't be a thin thicket, now could it?)

"Brother," Al said, "I think we're lost."

"Nonsense," said Ed, "I know every tree in these woods."

All of a sudden, Ed ran face first into a tree.

"Did you know that one?" asked Al.

"Don't even say it," said Ed, "I'm sure that everyone saw that joke coming."

Sure enough, all the readers, especially the fangirls, started throwing popcorn at their computer screens while shouting, "Get on with it!"

Then, a bright light shown from the sky. Ed tried to look at it, but the light was too bright for him. He squinted his eyes, and placed his hand over his brow. Suddenly, he saw a majestic face appear before him. "Get on with it!" the Heavenly face said.

"Brother," Al said, "If even God wants us to move along, then I think we'd better do so."

"I don't believe in God," said Ed. Suddenly, the ground started shaking beneath their feet. "Okay, okay," said Ed, "You've made Your point!"

The ground stopped shaking. The boys looked around them to make sure that nothing else weird was going to happen, and then Al spoke up.

"Brother, don't you think we'd better get back with the script?"

"Yeah, I guess so," said Ed. So they started to make their way through the woods again.

By and by, they came upon this strange man who looked strangely like Major Armstrong.

"Halt!" he said, "Don't come any closer!"

"Who are you?" Al asked.

"We are the knights who say 'Ni'!"

"Oh no! Not the nights of 'Ni'!" both boys cried out.

"The same!" replied Major Armstrong.

"Wait a minute," said Ed, "You're not a knight."

"I will say 'Ni' to you unless you appease me by bringing me a shrubbery," said Major Armstrong.

"But 'Ni' is just a character in the Japanese Kana," said Al.

"I warned you," said Major Armstrong, "Ni! Ni! Ni!"

Both boys covered their ears. "Brother, what do we do?" asked Al.

"Tell him to cut it out!" said Ed.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh! You have said the word that the knights of 'Ni' must never hear!" cried Major Armstrong.

"Really? What is it?" asked Al.

"Ahhhhhhhhh! You said it again!"

"But we don't even know what it is," said Ed.

"Ahhhhhhhh! You said it again!"

"Oh! I said it again!"

"Oh! I said it again!"

"Oh! I said it again!"

"I think that Major Armstrong will be occupied for awhile, Brother," said Al.

"Good point," said Ed, "Let's leave him alone while he sorts this out."

So Ed and Al wandered off again.


	3. Chapter 3

I got another review, can you believe it? Thanks, BridgitKiido! Since you want Hughes involved, I'll find a way to work him in. He won't fit in this chapter, but perhaps in another one. I'll find a good role for him. Thanks for the input.

Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist or Monty Python. Really, why would I be writing fan fiction if I owned them? For goodness' sake!

Ed and Al were walking along (does the walking never stop?), when Ed started getting bored.

"I'm bored," Ed said.

"Brother, the narrator just said that," said Al.

"I don't care who said it. I'm bored, bored, bored. All this walking and walking is so borrrrring."

"Well," said Al, "Why don't you just find something to keep you busy while you're walking?"

Ed thought about that for a second, then suddenly started singing, "Spam, spam, spam, spamety-spam…wonderful spam…"

Before Ed could finish his song, he felt Al's fist make contact with his head.

"Ow!" said Ed, "What did you do that for?"

"Don't EVER do that again!" said Al.

"Don't ever do what again?" asked Ed.

"Sing that song," said Al.

"Ok…spam, spam, spam…(punch)…Ow!"

"I told you not to sing that song," said Al, "It's getting on my nerves!"

"Since when do you get mad?" asked Ed.

"Since you started singing that song," said Al.

"Well, I'm only singing it so that the people reading this are aware that we're going to use all sorts of Monty Python jokes, not just the ones from Holy Grail," said Ed.

"Ok, but don't sing it anymore," said Al.

"Fine," said Ed. Then, looking around, Ed asked, "Where are we?"

The two boys looked and saw that before them was a huge cavern with just a little rickety bridge connecting both sides of the cavern to each other. Someone was standing on their side of the bridge, like they were keeping watch over it.

"Well," said Al, "Should we cross over?"

"I guess," said Ed, "We've got nothing better to do."

So, the two walked up to the bridge. The person by the bridge came over to them and stopped them.

"Halt!" said the person, "Whoever crosses the Bridge of Death must answer these questions three, else the other side he see."

"That's stupid," mumbled Ed.

"It is not stupid," answered the person, "I will ask you three questions. If you answer them correctly, I will let you cross the bridge. However, if you answer any of them wrong, you will be thrown down into the valley below."

"I'll go first then," said Al.

"Very well," said the person, "What is your name?"

"I am Alphonse Elric."

"What is your quest?"

"To…get to the other side of the bridge."

"What is your favorite color?"

"Blue."

"Very good," said the person, "You may pass."

"That's easy!" said Ed, "Do me next."

"Very well," said the person, "What is your name?"

"Edward Elric."

"What is your quest?"

"To get to the other side of the bridge."

"What is the capital of Assyria?"

"I don't know that!" said Ed. All of a sudden, and unseen force lifted him up and cast him into the valley below.

"Brother!" cried Al.

"I've been wanting to do that for a long time," said the person. Al took a closer look at the person, and finally realized that it was Dante!

"Dante! How dare you…"

"Don't blame me," said Dante, "It was your brother who was the idiot."

Al was just about to grab her and throw her over the cliff to avenge his brother when Ed suddenly rose up out of the valley, flapping his arms madly.

"Now," said Ed, "Let me ask you a question. How am I doing this?"

"I don't know that!" said Dante. With that, she was launched into the valley below.

"Wow!" said Al, "You sure had me scared, Brother. How are you doing that, anyway?"

"I don't know," said Ed. With that, he fell back into the valley.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey! I got yet another review! Thanks, renkinjutsu24!

As requested, here's the Hughes chapter. (I hope this stays within the T rating, hehe. I just watched this sketch recently, but I'm not quite sure what rating it would fall under.) Remember, if anyone has any suggestions or comments, please ask!

Disclaimer: No, I don't own FullMetal Alchemist or Monty Python. Why do we do disclaimers on every chapter, anyway? Is this just some sort of trend that got started on this website?

Maes Hughes leaned back in his chair, and stretched. "I can't wait until it's time to go home," he said with a yawn, "Nurse, how many more patients are there?"

Riza Hawkeye walked into the room. "Did you call me, doctor?"

"Yes," he said, "How many more patients are there? I want to go home."

"I'll go check," she said.

In just a couple minutes, a man came running into Hughes' office, gripping his chest. Blood was spilling out onto everything. "Doctor," he said, "You gotta help me! Your nurse just stabbed me."

"Yeah, she does that," said Hughes, "If you'll just fill out this paperwork, I can get you some help."

"But, Doctor," said the man, falling into a chair in front of Hughes' desk, "Couldn't I just do it later?"

"No, of course not," said Hughes, "You'd have bled to death by then. Now come on and fill this out, it's no fun, but it's a necessary evil."

The man tried so hard to fill out the paperwork, but he was just bleeding too hard, and kept having to stop. "I can't do it," he said.

"Now, let me see this," said Hughes, "You didn't even fill out question number two, about your grandmother's maiden name? Anyone would know that!"

"I'm sorry," sobbed the patient.

"And what about this questions number six, about what my favorite rock star is? Even I know that!"

"Please…help me," choked the man.

"Well, legally I can't do anything unless you fill out this paperwork," said Hughes.

Just then, Riza Hawkeye walked in, holding a bloody knife.

"Nurse," said Hughes, "You've got to stop doing this."

"Oh. I'm sorry," said Hawkeye.

She walked out of the room. Before long, one could hear screams coming from down the hall. Hawkeye walked back into Hughes' office.

"That's all the patients," she said.

"Wonderful!" said Hughes.

"Please," said the one remaining patient, "Can't you help me?"

"Well, if you could at least fill out question number four, about your history, then I could probably get you something to ease the pain," said Hughes.

The patient tried to stand up, but he just bled all over the carpet. He grabbed his handkerchief and started trying to wipe it up. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Well, Nurse," said Hughes, "Shall we go? It looks like this man will be busy for awhile."

"Yes, let's go," said Hawkeye.

So, the two of them left the poor patient alone to struggle with the paperwork.

Ed: Hey, it's not fair that we weren't even in this chapter!

Al: Brother, would you have even wanted to be included in this chapter?

Ed: No, probably not. We'll be in the next chapter though, won't we?

Al: Probably. We are the author's favorite characters, after all.

Ed: Then why did she have me fall into the valley twice in the last chapter?

Al: Because she likes you best.

Ed: She does?

Al: Of course, why do you think she gives you the funniest roles?

Ed: …Well, if she doesn't put us in the next chapter, then I'll barge in uninvited!

Al: Let's leave that up to the reviewers.

Ed: Okay, reviewers, should I play a major role in the next chapter, or should I barge in uninvited?

Al: Please review!


	5. Chapter 5

_**Hi, everyone, and thanks for your reviews! Thanks especially go to Trigunsfangirl for her reviews AND suggestions! Thank you very very much!**_

_**I'll do my best with your suggestions, but I have no idea how this chapter is going to turn out, since I don't know the character of Fuery that well. Unfortunately, he won't be able to have a very big role until I figure his personality out, but I can still include him in the story, nonetheless. Whatever happens, everyone, please don't throw rotten tomatoes at me. You have been forewarned!**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist or Monty Python. I don't know why I keep issuing a disclaimer, since I'd imagine that you all realize this by now, but what the heck, I do it anyway.**_

Roy Mustang and Kain Fuery were walking along…

Ed: Hey, me and Al are the walking characters!

Me: True, but I didn't want you in this sketch.

Ed: Then I'll break in unannounced.

Me: I'd say that you already did.

Ed: Then I'll do it again!

Al: Brother, calm down!

Anyway, Roy Mustang and Kain Fuery were walking along, when they came to a bridge guarded by a knight. Since Major Armstrong was the knight last time, I'll make him the knight again this time. He likes to be the knight for some reason.

Armstrong: I do not!

Me: Yes you do.

Armstrong: Well, I guess that I kind of do. Have you seen my muscles lately?

Anyway, Roy approached Armstrong, and said, "Stand aside, and let us cross this bridge."

"I move for no one," said Armstrong.

"I order you to stand aside," said Mustang.

"Who are you to order me?" said Armstrong.

"I am a higher officer, and I order you to stand aside and let us cross this bridge," said Mustang.

"I move for no one,' said Armstrong.

"Not even for a higher officer?" said Mustang.

"I move for no one," said Armstrong.

"In that case, I must use force," said Mustang. He raised up his right hand, and was about to snap his fingers, when Armstrong interrupted.

Armstrong: Wait a minute here! He's supposed to use a sword, not alchemy. This isn't fair!

Me: Why isn't it fair? You're an alchemist yourself.

Armstrong. Yes, but he would win too quickly, and the battle wouldn't be as funny as it's supposed to be.

Me: Point taken. Roy, you have to use a sword.

Mustang: What?

Me: Just do as I say, or I'll make your life very difficult.

Mustang: (Sighs) Okay…

Me: Okay, on with the story…

Mustang grabbed for his sword and lifted it up, not his gloved hand, and prepared to slash off one of Armstrong's arms. The sword made contact, alright, but it sounded kind of like it hit a ton of bricks.

Hmm…I wasn't expecting that, thought Mustang. No matter though. "Fuery," said Mustang, "Edward wants a part so badly, so I'll give him one. Take this sword to him and tell him to make it stronger."

"But wouldn't Totosai be a better person to take it to?" asked Fuery.

"This is FullMetal Alchemist vs. Monty Python, not Inuyasha vs. Monty Python, you idiot! Now do as I say!" said Mustang.

"Y-Yes, sir!" said Fuery, and in a flash, he was off looking for Ed.

"Mr. Elric!" called Fuery, trying to find Ed. Gee; it sounds strange to call him Mr. Elric, thought Fuery, maybe I should call him Elric-san instead. Nah, that sounds even sillier. "Mr. Elric, where are you?"

"What do you want?" said Ed. He was sitting under a tree with both his arms crossed over his chest, with a pouting look on his face. Al was standing over him, trying to get some sense into him.

"Mr. Elric, sir, the Colonel wishes for you to make this sword stronger for him," said Fuery.

"Why should I help him?" said Ed.

"Because the author doesn't feel like typing up my trying to convince you do accept the job," said Fuery.

Ed shivered for a second. He knew that authors could be pretty vicious if you made them mad. "Okay, he said, give it here."

Ed took the sword, and alchemically combined it with some other materials to make the sword stronger. I don't know what he used, I wasn't watching.

"There you go," he said, "Now get out of here and let me pout some more."

"Yes, sir, Mr. Elric, sir. Thank you," said Fuery.

Fuery went and gave the sword to Mustang, who took it and said, "Ok, let's try this again, shall we?"

Armstrong looked up at Mustang, and said, "But this chapter has already run as long as most of the chapters already have, and the author's not in an incredibly funny mood right now, and she's tired of writing. Don't you think that we'd better end this chapter?"

Mustang thought a minute, "Well, it's true that we haven't made much progress, so we should probably call it quits for the day, but the funny stuff was just about to happen."

Armstrong replied, "True, but we can always do the rest of the story in the next chapter, when the author is in a funnier mood."

Mustang looked at Armstrong, and said, "Point taken. I'll let you live until then."

Armstrong wiped his brow with his hand and said, "Phew! That was close!"

_**Okay, I know that that wasn't as funny as it usually is, but I'm just not in the right mood to write funny right now. Sorry about that. I hope you enjoyed it anyway. The next chapter should come up soon, and hopefully it'll be funnier. Keep those reviews and suggestions coming!**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Ok, now for the hard part, remembering how this sketch actually goes! Hehehe…Oh well, I have no idea how this story is going to turn out. Don't throw rotten tomatoes at me. You can throw rotten tomatoes at the characters in the story itself, if you want.**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist or Monty Python. Yes, I'm keeping with the strange convention of including a disclaimer at the beginning of each chapter. Who started this idea, anyway? Whoever started this, I've got a bone to pick with you!**_

Mustang raised his sword at Armstrong, and said, "I'll give you one more chance. Stand aside, and let us pass."

Armstrong was firm, with his arms crossed in front of his chest. "I move for no one," he said.

"Then I will have to take you by force," said Mustang. With that, he swung his sword, and cut off one of Major Armstrong's arms.

"My arm! My beautiful arm! You cut it off!" said Armstrong.

"Relax," said Mustang, "Nothing that happens to us in this fic is permanent. Just stick with the script."

"Oh, ok," said Armstrong, "It's just a flesh wound, come and fight, you cowards!"

"You still won't step aside?" said Mustang. With that, he raised his sword again and cut off Armstrong's other arm.

Of course, Armstrong didn't really care. After all, he'd get his arms back next time he gets used in this story, so he figured that he might as well have as much fun as possible. So, he was running around, kicking everyone in the shins, shouting, "Come on, fight, you cowards!"

Mustang was getting mad. Not only was Armstrong being an idiot, but his precious sword was getting all bloody. He figured that he'd just have to end this quick. So, he took his sword and cut off one of Armstrong's legs.

Amazingly, Armstrong remained standing, though he was hopping around on one foot. He hopped over to Fuery, and kicked one of his shins.

"Ouch!" said Fuery.

"You see? You can't get me down so easily!" said Armstrong.

He started hopping over to Mustang again, when Mustang once again raised his sword and cut off Armstrong's last limb. He was now just a body with no limbs, standing there (as best as a limbless body can stand), shouting, "Come back here, you cowards! I'll bite your legs off!"

Mustang thought that this was so stupid that he decided to just leave, and not deal with this anymore. He and Fuery crossed the bridge, leaving a very upset Armstrong behind.

Just as Mustang crossed the bridge, Ed came running up to him.

"Okay, now your sketch is done, so me and Al get to be the walkers again," said Ed.

"That depends on what the author wants," said Mustang.

"I don't care what the author wants!" said Ed, "We're supposed to be the walkers, and we're going to take back our rightful places!"

"Brother, I don't think…" said Al, before he was interrupted by Mustang.

"Hey, I have an idea, why don't you make up some sketch about bad subtitles, like the author was thinking the other day?" said Mustang.

"I never heard the author thinking that," said Ed.

"You just never pay attention," said Mustang.

"Well, she certainly never mentioned it in this fic," said Ed.

"I suppose that that's true," Mustang admitted, "But it's a good idea, don't you think?"

"I don't know," said Ed, "It's got nothing to do with Monty Python."

"Hey, we already did a Monty Python sketch for this chapter, so it's alright to bend the rules a bit, don't you think?" said Mustang.

"Well, maybe…" said Ed.

"Then go out there and show them what you're made of!" said Mustang.

So, with the fate of the world (and this fan fic) in the hands of Ed, since he's not doing what I tell him anymore, he ventured out, trying to figure out how to make a sketch about bad subtitles. Suddenly, he got an idea!

"Hey, Ar!" he said, "Come over here!"

"Ar?" said Al, "Are you talking to me?"

"Yeah, people always mix up their r's and l's in bad fansubs, so I figured that I'd start with that," said Ed.

"Well, I'll never get used to you calling me 'Ar'," said Al.

"Winly will probably never get used to it either," said Ed.

"Winly?" said Al, "What kind of name is that?"

"Hey, Ar, I've got a few questions for you," said Ed.

"Okay, but stop calling me 'Ar'," said Al.

"Am I a State Alchemist or a National Alchemist?" said Ed.

"What's the difference?" asked Al.

"It's just that different fansubs choose different terms, for some odd reason, and I'm all confused," said Ed.

"That's crazy," said Al.

"Also, were we looking for the Philosopher's Stone or the Sorcerer's Stone?" asked Ed.

"Brother, we're the FMA cast, not the Harry Potter cast!" said Al.

"Tell that to the subtitlers," said Ed, "Also, did we come through the Gate or the Door?"

Al stood silent. His brother was just getting too weird for the likes of him, not to mention that his writing ability sucked. Suddenly, he burst out running. He just wanted to get away from Ed.

"Hey, where are you going, Ar?" asked Ed, "I'm not done yet!"

"I don't want to stay around until you are," said Al, "And stop calling me 'Ar'!"

Ed took off running after Al. "Hey, wait a minute!" said Ed, "Did you know that one of the subtitles I've seen even named Gluttony 'Blatny' once?"

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Stop it, Brother!" Al screamed, as big streams of water were running out of his eyes.

"But I'm not done yet," said Ed, still chasing his brother.

The two ran and screamed off into the sunset, never to be seen again.

At least, not until the next chapter.


	7. Chapter 7

Ed was just walking along the side of an unpaved road, kicking pebbles that happened to be in his way, when he heard a familiar voice shouting behind him, "I'll get you for this, FullMetal!"

Ed had no idea what he had done (even I don't know what he did), but he knew that he must've done something to upset Roy. He didn't want to deal with it just then, so he took off running. However, Roy was a much faster runner than he was, and he was gaining on Ed. Ed would have to find someplace to hide, but where?

He looked up ahead and noticed a crowd of people standing in the street. What could they all be there for? No matter though, since it would give him a good place to hide. He dove into the crowd and quickly made his way to the front to see what was going on.

A man was standing on top of a wooden box, preaching a sermon. Apparently, people were listening. What a perfect place to hide, thought Ed. He found another wooden box, and stood up on it. (He needed all the height he could get!) Feeling around in his pocket, he pulled out a piece of paper with the Beatitudes written on it. His mother had written them down for him when he was little. This is as good a place to start as any, thought Ed.

So, he started reading off the words on his piece of paper in as loud a voice as he could muster. "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are the peacemakers..."

Someone in the crowd heard that last statement and said, "Blessed are the cheesemakers? What's so special about them?"

Her husband replied to her, "It's not meant to be taken literally, darling. It refers to all manufacturers of dairy products."

Strangely enough, people were listening to Ed preach, and taking him very seriously. However, as could be expected, he soon ran out of beatitudes to read. Fearing that he would lose the interest of the crowd, and as a result be discovered by Roy, he grabbed a little boy's lunch of five bread rolls and two fish, and threw them on the nearby grass. Then, he clapped his hands together, and slapped them on the ground beside the lunch. Blue sparks flew out of his hands, and enveloped the lunch and the grass.

When the blue energy subsided, what was revealed was a whole bunch more rolls of bread and fish. "Eat up, there's plenty for everyone!" said Ed.

"It's a miracle!" whispered everyone in the crowd, "He must be the Messiah!"

Everyone started clambering to Ed, trying to touch him. "Heal my daughter!" "Heal my son!" "Bring my mother back to life!" they were all saying at once.

"No, I can't heal anyone, and I definitely can't bring anyone back to life. Get away from me!" Ed shouted. But to no avail, everyone just pressed closer.

"This has gone way too far," said Ed. So, he pointed his finger, and said, "Look over there."

Everyone turned to look where he'd pointed. While their attention was diverted, Ed escaped the other way. However, he didn't go unnoticed for very long. Someone spotted him and said, "The Master is leaving. Come, we must follow him wherever he goes."

Suddenly, Ed had the whole crowd chasing after him. Maybe it would've been better to take whatever I was going to get from Roy, he thought. However, he kept running. He ran out of the city, straight into the desert, and kept running. The crowd kept following. "We will follow you wherever you go, Master," they said.

Ed was running out of breath, and his pace was starting to slacken. He tripped and fell over a stone, in the process making one of his shoes fall off. However, there was no time to put it back on, as the crowd was once again gaining on him. He got back up and ran, even though he was missing one shoe.

When the crowd saw the shoe that he had left behind, one person picked it up and held it over his head. "He cast off his shoe," he said, "We will follow your example, Master." With that, everyone in the crowd took off one of their shoes and hung it off of their staff. Then, they once again started running after Ed.

Darn it, thought Ed, if I don't find a place to hide, they're going to capture me for sure. Finally, he spotted a pit that one could hide in, and escape from the crowd. He jumped in, only to find out that the pit was already occupied.

"I've been waiting for you, FullMetal," said Roy.

"Roy! How did you get here?" asked a very surprised Ed.

"Oh, I get...around," said Roy, "Now what are you going to do about that crowd out there?"

"What can I do? They got all out of hand," said Ed.

"I'll take care of it, then," said Roy.

Roy stood up, faced the crowd, and snapped his fingers, sending streaks of fire in their general direction. The crowd went running away madly, screaming, "It's the wrath of God, it's the wrath of God!"

Finally, that crowd was gone, and Roy dragged a very reluctant Ed back to his house. What Roy was mad about, we'll probably never find out, because someone saw Roy drag Ed into his house, and before long, the crowd was surrounding Roy's house.

They all started shouting to have the Master brought out. At first, Roy just tried to ignore this, but after awhile, it grew kind of annoying. So, he opened the shutters on his window and looked out. The crowd grew silent. Finally, one asked him, "Where's the Master?"

"The Master? Do you mean Ed?" asked Roy, "Why do you want me to get him, am I his mother?"

For some reason, that last word spread through the crowd, and before long, the whole crowd was holding their hands out to Roy and saying, "Behold, his mother! Behold, his mother! Behold, his mother!"

Roy slammed the shutters closed, and turned to Ed. "You had better do something about this crowd of yours, or I'm really going to give it to you."

So, Ed opened up the shutters and looked over the crowd. The crowd fell completely silent. "Uh...you can all go home," said Ed, "The party's over."

But breaking the silence was a bad idea on Ed's part, because then the crowd just started shouting, "Master, heal my daughter!" "Master, heal my son!" "Master, bring my mother back to life!" all over again.

Now, Ed was getting really mad now. Not only did he have to deal with Roy's wrath, but he was caught up in the middle of a stupid story that the author put him in to get revenge for the last chapter when he caused so much trouble.

"Listen," Ed said, "If I do what you want me to from now on, will you take me out of this stupid story?"

"Sure," I said, "I'll take you out of the story, but you're still going to get what's coming to you from Roy."

"But what did I do?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said, "Ask Roy."

So, I took Ed and Roy out of the story. Then, Roy snapped his fingers and burned Ed to a crisp. Luckily, Ed snapped back out of it immediately, since none of the injuries in this story are permanent.

Now let's just hope that Ed listens to me next time, or he's going to get it even worse.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Thank you to all my loyal fans who keep suggesting things for my sketches and who keep coming back to see if I've updated. I'm sorry that I took so long to update. I had a little trouble figuring out how to do the parrot sketch, since that was obviously what everyone wanted. (That one's funny mostly because of the specific words chosen, rather than merely what they do, like most of the other sketches.) I still have no idea how this sketch is going to turn out because of that. If it turns out badly, remember that you guys suggested it. You may only throw rotten tomatoes at yourselves! Ha!**_

Colonel Mustang entered a pet shop. "Wait a minute," said Ed, "I'm supposed to be the main character in your sketches!"

"Not this time," I said, "You're not even in this sketch. At least, you're not supposed to be, even though you're barging in apparently."

"But I want to be in the sketch!" he said.

"Listen, do you want to be put in another sketch like that one from Life of Brian?" I said.

Ed shudders at the thought, and meekly said, "…no."

"Then be a good boy and get out of the way, so I can do the sketch," I said.

So, Ed stepped out of the way. Now the sketch can continue.

So, Colonel Mustang entered a pet shop. Since you guys seem to want Havoc in the picture, he'll be the one behind the counter. Mustang said to Havoc, "Hello, I'd like to register a complaint."

Havoc just did that strange blanked-out look he often gives with the cigarette sticking out of his mouth. Mustang reached over and slapped him. "Get back to reality!" he said, "I told you that I need to make a complaint!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," said Havoc, "What can I do for you?"

"Well," said Mustang, "It seems that the parrot that I bought from this pet shop not more than half an hour ago is dead!"

"That's supposed to be spread between several lines, you know," said Havoc.

"What the heck?" said Mustang.

"You're not supposed to condense several lines' worth of dialogue into one line," said Havoc.

"I am Colonel Mustang, and you are my subordinate. I will do as I like," he said.

"Uh…" said Havoc, "I don't think that that applies here."

"Right, let's get on with the sketch," said Mustang, "This bird is dead."

"No, he's not, he's resting," said Havoc, "He got all worn out from a prolonged squawk."

"If he's resting, then I'll see if I can wake him up," said Mustang, who promptly started banging the cage. "Hello, Polly, I've got a nice cuddle bone for you if you come to!"

To this, Havoc reached over and hit the cage. "See? He moved!" he said.

"He didn't move," said Mustang, "You did!"

"I did not!" said Havoc.

"Yes, you did!" said Mustang.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

Finally, Edward rushed into the pet shop and said, "Okay, break it up, you guys. If I can't be in the sketch, the least you two could do is at least do a good job of it!"

"You think we're not doing a good job of it, FullMetal?" said Mustang.

"I could do a better job than you," said Edward, "At least the sketch would get moving if I did it. With you, it's just dragging on, and on, and on, and on, and on…"

"Ok, I get your point!" said Mustang, "Why don't you see if you can outshine me?"

"Really?" said Ed, "I thought that I wasn't going to be in this sketch!"

"I didn't either, but the author does like you best, so she found a way to get you in there somewhere. Now here," said Mustang as he handed Ed the cage, "Get me a replacement parrot."

So, Ed took a whack at it. "I'll prove that this bird is dead," said Ed. He took out the bird and whacked it on the counter. "Hey, Polly, wake up!" He threw it on the floor, it still didn't wake up. He even stomped on it (with his auto-mail leg, of course) and smashed it to bits. "There does that prove that it's dead?" said Ed.

"Yeah, you've convinced me that it's dead," said Havoc, "But I'm positive that it was alive until you did your little demonstration!"

"It was not, it was dead before I even got it!" said Ed.

"You have no proof of that," said Havoc.

Suddenly, Major Armstrong bust into the store and said, "You need proof? I've give you all the proof you need!" With that, he threw off his shirt, and flexed his muscles in Havoc's face. "There's no denying the melody these muscles are singing. Can't you hear it?"

"Uh…" said Havoc.

"What about my replacement?" said Mustang, "I need to get a replacement parrot."

"Why did you even get a parrot?" said Edward, "I didn't think that you liked anything unless it absolutely followed its master's orders."

"I don't, normally," said Mustang, "I just wanted to have an excuse to say 'This is an ex-parrot."

"Ha!" said Havoc, "Then you admit to knowing that the bird was dead before you bought it! Hence, I cannot give you a refund!"

"But you admit to knowing that it was dead initially!" said Mustang, "Being a pet, you are required to give me a refund for such a situation!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

Ed put his hands over his ears. These people were just pure idiots. He wasn't going to hang around them anymore. So, he left the store.

As soon as he stepped out of the store, however, he was run over by an old lady on a motorcycle. What was on the back of her jacket? "Hell's Grannies"

So, Pride walked onto the scene out of nowhere and said, "Ok, that's enough! This is just getting way too silly! Of course, I like that part about Edward getting run over. I want to see that again."

So, the rest of the Hell's Grannies came and ran over Edward's dead body as well, all the while Pride was having the time of his life watching. Then, the old ladies turned around and ran over Pride too. Of course, I wouldn't worry too much about them. They'll be alive again in the next chapter.

But, you know what they always say, "Pride cometh before a fall." How exactly does that apply again?

"Ouch!" said Edward, "That hurt!"

"You're telling me?" said Pride.

After seeing this, all the little old ladies freaked out and ran screaming down the street, where they were apprehended by the police and taken into custody. Hence, we have a very strange but happy ending!


	9. Chapter 9

**_Thank you so much to all my loyal fans, readers, and reviewers! Thanks especially to those who have been giving me suggestions on what to write about. I keep forgetting your pen names, but you know who you are. Someone suggested this sketch, and several people suggested some of the things in the previous sketch. I thank you all so much, you've been most helpful!_**

Ed and Al sat down on a couch in front of the television.

"I wonder what's on the television?" said Al.

"Looks like a penguin," said Ed.

"I didn't mean 'What's on the television set', I meant what program?" said Al.

"Oh, right," said Ed, "Strange that penguin being there. You know, if it laid an egg, it would fall down the back of the television set."

"How could it lay an egg?" said Al, "It's just a stupid looking plastic penguin!"

As if not hearing Al at all, Ed continued, "I wonder where it came from? Maybe it came from next door?"

"Penguins don't come from next door, they come from the Antarctic!" said Al.

"But you just said that it was a plastic penguin," said Ed.

"Well, yeah, but you were just saying...oh whatever," said Al.

"Maybe it came from the zoo," Ed mused.

"Brother, are you even listening to me? It's a plastic penguin, it didn't come from the zoo, next door, or the Antarctic!" said Al.

"Of course, if it came from the zoo, it would have 'Property of the Zoo' stamped on it," said Ed.

"They don't stamp animals at the zoo," said Ed.

"Why of course they do," said Ed, "How else can they prove that they own them?"

"I think that the fact that they're the only ones in town with a penguin is enough proof," said Al.

"Then this IS their penguin!" said Ed, "We need to get it back to them right away."

"Are you even listening to me?" said Al, "That is a PLASTIC penguin! It's not alive, it didn't come from the zoo, the Antarctic, next door, or any other strange place you might think of."

"Then where did it come from?" said Ed.

"Winry gave it to you for your birthday last week," said Al.

"Did she steal it from the zoo?" said Ed.

"For the last time, Brother, that. is. a. plastic. penguin. It. is. not. alive." said Al, trying to speak calmly through his gritted teeth, as well as one can grit teeth in a suit of armor.

"What makes you think that it's not alive?" asked Ed.

"Well, just by the fact that it's not moving," said Al.

"I think it's just resting," said Ed.

"Oh, please, Brother, let's not have another sketch like that dead parrot sketch!" said Al.

"You mean it's a dead penguin?" said Ed.

"No, it's plastic, it never was alive!" said Al.

"But if it's not alive, then it must be dead," said Ed.

"Well..." said Al.

"So who killed it?" said Ed.

"NOBODY KILLED IT! IT WAS NEVER ALIVE! IT'S MADE OUT OF PLASTIC!" said Al, losing his patience. Ed was dense sometimes, but he'd never seen him this dense before.

"Geez, you didn't have to shout," said Ed, "I was only wondering if you knew who the murderer was."

Just then, Roy Mustang stepped into the room, wearing a trench coat, detective hat, and a pipe. "Did you say there was a murder here?" said Roy.

"No, it's just..." started Al.

"So, you deny it!" said Mustang.

"No, no, it's just that someone killed that penguin!" said Ed.

"Aha! I knew it!" said Mustang.

"You knew what?" said Al.

"This is an obvious case of murder. Actually, not murder, but like murder only it begins with a 'B'," said Mustang.

"What else can be like murder?" said Al.

"You mean, burglary?" said Ed.

"That's it, burglary!" said Mustang, "This is an obvious case of burglary!"

"How does burglary have anything to do with murder? They're nothing like each other!" said Al.

"Now we're nit-picking, are we?" said Mustang, "Do you expect me to actually differentiate the two? Sometimes I can get involved in a burglary that is a murder as well, so it's both. Geez, you're just as bad as a judge."

"But why do you say that this is a case of burglary? Winry gave Ed this penguin for his birthday!" said Al.

"I knew it! You stole it from Winry!" said Mustang.

"No we didn't! She GAVE it to us!" said Al.

"Who gave it to you?" said Mustang.

"Winry!" said Al.

"What? Where?" said Mustang as he looked around.

"No, she's not here. I just meant that she gave us the penguin!" said Al.

"Do you have proof of that?" said Mustang.

"Don't even ask that question," said Al, remembering how Major Armstrong always manages to show up anytime a question like that is asked.

Just then, the TV turned on, and the man on the set said, "It is now time for the penguin on top of your TV set to explode."

So, Mustang turned and faced the TV, snapped his fingers, and blew up the penguin.

"Wow! The guy's psychic!" said Ed.

"But Brother, he didn't..." Al began.

Edward was dancing and skipping around the room, singing, "Ding dong, the penguin's dead, the wicked penguin's dead!"

"Brother, it was never alive in the first place!" said Al.

Now both Edward and Mustang had locked elbows and were dancing around in circles, singing, "Ding dong, the penguin's dead, the wicked penguin's dead!"

Al jumped up, and ran out of the room, screaming.

Ed and Roy stopped dancing. Ed turned to Roy and said, "Gee, you were right, Roy. Acting dense really does make him freak out."

"See what I told you?" said Roy, "Now pay up!"


	10. Chapter 10

**_Hey, sorry that it took me so long to update this! My power is out at my house, so I couldn't watch the dvds to get new sketches. The power's still out, so I won't be able to update much, unless I can write up a sketch from memory. (This one is from memory, of course it doesn't take much work to remember this one, heh.) Hope that you enjoy it. You wanted random, so random is what you got. Heh._**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist. After reading this sketch, you're probably going to be glad that I don't. Heh._**

Edward was standing on a stage before a live audience, with a spotlight shining on him. As everyone waited to see what was going to happen, the voice of the announcer came over the loudspeaker and stated, "This is a man with a tape recorder up his nose."

Edward extended his right index finger, and showed it to the audience, so all could see. He then thrust his finger up his right nostril. Music began blaring immediately, and Edward nodded his head to the beat.

He then removed his finger, and the music stopped. The audience stared in dead silence. They couldn't believe the spectacle before them.

Edward then decided to demonstrate again, so he thrust his finger up his right nostril again, and music again came blaring out. This time, not only was he nodding his head to the beat, but a few of the audience members were as well.

The song ended, so Edward removed his finger from his right nostril, and then put it in his left nostril to rewind the tape. He then put his finger back into his right nostril, and music again poured forth. Now everyone in the audience was nodding their heads to the beat.

Suddenly, Roy ran up onto the stage, completely mortified at what Ed was doing.

"FullMetal, what do you think you're doing? Don't you realize that you have an image to keep up?"

"Aw, come on, Colonel, they don't know who I am. Besides, it's fun. You should try it."

Roy wasn't so sure about that, but within a few minutes, Ed had talked him into it. When the lights came back on, the announcer announced (what else would he do?), "And now, two men with a tape recorder up their nose."

Ed and Roy both extended their index finger, and showed it to the audience, and then promptly shoved it up their right nostril. Again, the music came, and both Ed and Roy found themselves nodding their heads to the beat.

"You're right, FullMetal, this is fun."

"See what I told you?"

The music then ran out, so they both pulled their fingers out of their right nostril and stuck it in their left nostril to rewind the tape. When it was rewound, they stuck their fingers back into their right nostril and again nodded their heads to the music.

"Yep, this sure is fun," said Roy, "So fun that I think I'll go to work this way."

"Wha…uh, you're joking, right?" said Edward.

"Who's joking?" said Roy.

Edward was about to stop him, but Roy had already walked off the stage. So, shrugging his shoulders, Edward ran off the stage in pursuit of the Colonel. He hoped he could catch him before he made a total fool of himself. Then again, maybe he should just let him do it. Revenge that enacts itself is the sweetest of all.

**_You're still alive, I see. So, you didn't die from the utter idiocy of this sketch? That's a good thing, I suppose. If I manage to survive it long enough to get another inspiration, I'll update again. Suggestions are always welcome (and they might help me to update sooner.) Please leave me a review, even if it's just to say "Blah", because then I'll at least know that you liked the story enough to leave a review. Heh._**


	11. Chapter 11

Hey, Everybody! Welcome back! Woohoo, this story's finally been updated! Yeah! (Why am I not using my normal bold italics for my author notes? Well, it's because I'm connected to the internet using a Mac laptop, and ffdotnet doesn't seem to like the browser, so it's not letting me bolditalicize it. Sigh. Oh well, at least I can post at all, right?)

This one's a little different from most of my sketches, in that this one is mostly original, and frankly, has very little Monty Python in it. (It's still Monty Python-LIKE, so I figured that it still counts, heh.) Heh, the only Monty Python thing in this sketch is the Spam reference. The rest came from my own neurotic brain (or I borrowed the joke, from somewhere...or something like that. Heh, I don't always know when I borrow jokes or where I borrow them from. Hehe...oh well.)

Anyway, please enjoy!

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Disclaimer: I do not own FullMetal Alchemist. I wish I did, but I don't, so stop asking! (I own a character named Carl though, who hasn't shown up in any of my fics. He won't either, because he's completely original. I'm writing a new story using him as the protagonist. If any of you want to read it, e-mail me and ask for it.)

"Al!" called Edward, "Al! Where are you?"

"Brother?" responded a voice half-buried in the sand, "Brother! Get away from me, I'm about to explode!" Al quickly jumped up out of the sand and moved away from Ed, when it suddenly dawned upon him that he was able to stand again.

"Brother, my body's back to normal!"

That was confusing to Ed, to say the least, since being in a suit of armor is hardly back to normal, so he asked for clarification. Al explained that Kimbly (or Kimblee, however you wish to spell it) had turned him into a living bomb, and that the only way his life could be saved was if he was transmuted into something else.

When Ed found out that it was Scar who had transmuted Al, he directed a very serious look at Al and said, "Al, open your chest."

Al opened the metal plate that was his chest, and Ed gasped as he saw...a bunch of coconuts topple out onto him.

"Ouch!" yelled Ed, 'Where did those coconuts come from? They're not in the script. You were supposed to be transmuted into the Philosopher's Stone."

"I like coconuts better," said Al.

"You can't be transmuted into a bunch of coconuts!" yelled Ed.

"Why not?"

"Just...Because. I shouldn't have to explain why not."

"But I like coconuts."

"That's no reason to want to be one!"

"It's better than being the Philosopher's Stone. At least no one will chase me if I'm a bunch of coconuts."

Ed sighed and rubbed his head. He could tell that he wasn't going to get anywhere with his brother at the moment. "Okay, fine. Let's just take care of these coconuts, and then we'll try this scene again when you're willing to follow procedure."

The boys started to gather the coconuts back up, but the progress was slow. It took Ed awhile to figure out why, but he soon discovered that Al was playing with the coconuts, rather than picking them up. He even had them lined up in a neat little row, and was singing a little song. How he had ever missed that, he would never know.

"I got myself a lovely bunch of coconuts," sang Al, "Here they are a-standing in a row. Big one, small ones, some as big as your head..."

"Enough already!" interrupted Ed, "Stop playing with those stupid coconuts!"

Al hovered in a defensive position over his charges, and said, "You're mean, Brother! Be nice to my coconuts. You'll hurt their feelings."

Ed scoffed. "They have feelings now? Oh, puhlease!"

Al turned to his coconuts, and said, "Don't worry, Brother doesn't mean it."

"I do too mean it!"

Al ignored him, and picked up one of the monkey-faced coconuts, and showed it to Ed. "Look, Brother, this one looks like you."

That was the last straw for Ed. He transmuted his auto-mail into a blade, and then charged after the coconuts, slicing them to pieces, and spilling the milk everywhere. When it was all over, Ed stood there, panting hard, a smirk of victory on his face. He had won.

Later that day, they were rehearsing the same scene.

"Al, open your chest," said Ed.

Al did so, and Ed gasped as he saw...a bunch of cans of Spam fall out onto him. "Not again! Al, will you quit it?"

"But I like Spam," said Al, defensively.

"Since when? You've never even tasted it...Plus, you haven't eaten anything in the past four years."

"Well...I think I would like it," said Al. Ed sighed and placed his hand over his face, just as Al started singing, "Spam, Spam, Spam, Spamety-Spam...Wonderful Spam..." Ed growled to himself. This was going to be a long day.

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There you go, did you enjoy that? I hope so, hehe. Please leave me a review, okay? Thanks a bunch!

P.S. For some reason, the first time I posted this, the format didn't turn out right. I hope that I've remedied that this time. If you were one of those who saw the bad formatting, I apologize. Hopefully, it won't happen again. Thanks for understanding.


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